Dark Passage is the greatest classic bad movie ever

I'm watching this classic black and white movie Dark Passage (1947, Delmer Daves) and something weird happens. The camera adopts the point of view of Humphrey Bogart's character... and keeps showing us only this FPV... I'm intrigue cause it's very odd for an oldie. Sure, there must be some precedents! There always are. But like, some people think Hardcore Henry, a last year movie, was being innovative and experimental and we are talking about the 40s here!

So, 20 minutes into the movie, everything looks clean and sharp and the camera is doing some nice tricks and stuff (way better than Henry) and I'm beginning to think that this is a gem or something... Boy, I was wrong!

Ok. They don't show you Humphrey Bogart's face and adopt the FPV cause supposedly his character, Vincent Parry, looks like an entirely different person. He was convicted for killing his wife and escaped from San Quentin prison... This runaway is receiving the help from Irene Jensen (Lauren Bacall). She helps him cause her own father has been falsely accused of murdering his wife... so Irene becomes obsessed with Vincent's case a man she believes to be innocent too.  I mean, doesn't know for sure, could be assisting a cold blooded murderer for all she knows, but fair enough...  

Then he doesn't want to implicate her any more, so prepares to leave the city and seeks for refugee in a friend's apartment, some trumpet amateur player named George.... 

And this is the precise moment the movie becomes totally insane, like absolute madness, for a good chop of 30 minutes or so. I couldn't believe my eyes! It's glorious...

Vincent decides to have a... Plastic surgery!!! (Tchan!) But the man that advices him to do so is... the Taxi Driver!!! (Tchan!); just this casual taxi driver that is taking him out of the city, now finds him a plastic surgeon and even for cheap, cause the surgeon is... an old friend of his that Would take "just a couple of hundreds"... (I supposed he's been taking a lot of clientele to the illegal clinic or something). This Taxi driver helps him cause he certainly understands how things are:

"I figured you slugged her with that ashtray because she made life miserable to you. I know how it is. I lived with my sister and her husband. Now, they get along fine, so fine that one day he throws a bread knife at her... she ducked. 

That's the way it goes. Maybe if your wife had ducked, there be no trial, no Quentin, no on the lam... That's life"

I can't believe he says all this. I mean, what are the chances that a psychopath cabbie that knows a plastic surgeon, decides to help a convicted runaway on murder... and for free?!!! I guess: That's life... never ceases to amaze you.

So, they go to the illegal plastic clinic "up in the alley"... Vincent confesses to his new pal the Taxi Driver that he's a little uneasy  (I'd be nervous before a massive facial surgery in a dumpster!!!), but the cabbie re-assures him: 

"Don't be nervous. I know how bad this things can be. Just a couple of weeks ago I picked up a dame in my cab... She must've had her face lifted by one of them quacks. She got caught in the rain and the whole thing dropped down to here. She should've left it unlifted. But this guy is great. And no quack."

The camera shows the plastic surgeon, smoking...

I can't be sure they're being intentionally funny or not, yet... 

Of all the looks from all the people, in all the towns in all the world, the surgeon picks Humphrey Bogart's face. 

                   Magically turning this...   ... into this

A person with this ability could make you look like Cary Grant, Gary Cooper, Greg Peck... But no, he chooses Bogart! 

HB is maybe in the top three of the greatest male celebrities of all time, it's a cultural icon... but he achieved that in base of his personality, huge talent, screen presence and magnetism, not looks! I mean, at least not GOOD looks, you wouldn't call Humphrey Bogart handsome...or if you do, is just handsome in the ugly kind of way... like those cute ugly puppies that attracts hotties in the park.  So yeah, in my opinion the surgeon fucked up. The movie even addresses this cause made the doctor say: "you'll look older, but feel 10 years younger" He doesn't look older to me... he looks slightly ugly. Like, they knew Boogie looked like shit... they also knew he didn't match with Lauren Bacall, he's old enough to be his father! Maybe even his grandfather (I know they were married! But as our Taxi pal says: That's life... this is movies) 

Whatever. That's when it hit me. We are 40 minutes into this movie and we haven't seen the lead's man face yet, (mind that Classic Hollywood is very heavy celebrity driven); and the whole thing keeps going cause now we got Humphrey Bogart in some laughable bandages that looks like an orthopedic cast or something... and we even stop hearing his voice, cause the surgeon forbids him to talk!!! Crazy. Like, can you believe this shit?

Back to his friend's apartment, George, only to find out he has been murdered (Tchan!)... In the previous scene in the apartment (before the surgery) I was wondering, Why are they showcasing this trumpet in the middle of the room? and even talking about it, like, Why so much emphasis on it?...Ok who cares, your friend is a trumpet player, who caaaares!!! 

This is why. He was murdered.... with his own trumpet! Not a gun, not a knife, not a rock, not poison or by choking him with hands or a rope... his trumpet!!! We see a fucking dented trumpet in the murder scene.

And Vincent of course picks up this "weapon" leaving fingerprints all over it.

What mind of a madman could think of something like this? Maybe Delmer Daves... he was also the scriptwriter... maybe the original novelist. 

        

Come to think of it, might be really clever, cause Vincent was convicted of murdering his wife with an ashtray... which is already a weird weapon in itself. So, maybe is like a sign card of this killer to hit its victims with odd choices of weapon. 

Naaah the fucked up: they pick a killing trumpet.  

Back to the only place left for him to go: Irene-Lauren Bacall's place. But the effort of walking there makes him vanish (the poor fella is just out of a very very dangerous 90 minutes unhealthy surgery). So, Irene assist him and then we got this wonderful scene, where Lauren Bacall is holding a porcelain cup of tea and giving him to drink with a straw and through a little hole on Boogey's bandages...

And one of the finest moments, when he's explaining things to Irene through a notebook and a pencil, and she's reading. How could someone explain any of what happened?... like this:

"Taxi driver helped me. Tooked me to a plastic surgeon. Bandages stay on till the twelfth. I'm to eat only liquids."  

The whole thing is so bizarre, so surreal. And it keeps going, cause after hydrating, now of course he wants to smoke, so... Lauren Bacall lights a cigarette for this badly hurt man, and puts it on a funny ladies-holder and into his mouth...

Next day. Now, the good doctor allowed him to smoke and drink, he can walk a mile or two and even climb one of San Francisco hills... but for some reason he's not allowed to sleep upwards down (it might turn his face into something more ugly than Bogart's face?) ... So... the logical thing happens: Vincent Parry must be tied to a bed in order not to accidentally turn over... I think you can identify this as the moment where Jack Warner finally came into the production and said: 

Guys... What a fuck are you doing?  You can't see Bogie's face, he can't talk, and now he's not allowed to move?: Why's Humphrey Bogart tied to a fucking bed?!  

Cause from this moment on the movie... doesn't turn good, there're many many things that are wrong and weird (like Boogie's wig), but let's say begins transiting through at least more normal ways. 

Still they somehow managed to smuggle this Romantic candle dinner scene between Lauren Bacall and Mummy Bogart, where they talk about baseball, baseball!!!

Then it follows your typical Noir plot until the end; you can see Warner's hand now... they even pull a reverse Casablanca thing as

an ending... with Vincent waiting at some bar for her (with the exact same white suit, Ricks wears)

Well, that's it. Funny, funny bad and classic. I still love you, movie.

The Theatrical Cut of Blade Runner is the one you should watch

Director's Cuts are a blatant Scam even when they're supposedly need it, like in the case of Blade Runner. There are at least five different versions of the movie (Seven and maybe even more if you want to be extremely precise).

Back in 1982 the studio decided to kick Ridley Scott out, and make their own cut. They were a bit scared cause the Workprint prototype didn't exactly got positive responses from the preview audiences... Who can blame them, right? this is a weeeeeird fucking movie. And so they did, a very short and competent version; They cut the Unicorn dream sequence (supposedly) , inserted a Harrison Ford narration voice over to explain us, dumb people, things, and gave the movie a happy ending.

Ten years later while gaining cult status the studio wanted to make a new release of the film (and a laser disc)... so Ridley Scott was called in, but he was busy at the time... doing?..., so he just gave some of his notes and make us believe he was behind the whole thing calling it "The Director's Cut". (But he wasn't, it was some curator or something).

Now 15 years later Blade Runner is considered one of the Best Science Fiction movies ever made, and it always sells well in home format... So they make a new edition, and now they really bring Ridley Scott back to make a Director's Cut but Scott can't call it that because it'd mean admitting that all of them lied back in 92; so they very cynically called this "The Final Cut" like a big Fuck You to us all, right?!

And the fans are ok with this, and these days most of them believe this "Final Cut" to be the definitive version of the movie. 

But I'm here to tell you that the original theatrical release is a superior version of Blade Runner, and that the changes made when Scott was fired just improved the quality of the film.

1st) Because that Unicorn dream sequence sucks.

I mean is so out of place. Seems taken from a completely different movie (like from Legend 1985, Scotts next project... like he mixed things, too much bourbon or something, he got confused,

You got this dark, depressing, wet, greasy, dirty, nauseating vision of the future against a Beautiful magical white unicorn running through the wilds and I guess he wanted to establish that contrast... But I still feel the whole scene is rather fake, I simply cannot believe a human being of this world could have such a dreams (a bit Shakespearian here...)

That's the whole point you'd said, because he's a replicant! Garth or Gerth... The latino blue eye's guy later leaves in Deckard's apartment one of his origamis in the shape of a unicorn. That means he knows Deckard's dreams, that means these dreams were implanted, ergo Deckard is a replicant. But I don't like that!!!

Well, first of all: you just simply cannot make a unicorn with origami! Is already really hard just to draw a horse, imagine what takes to make it with paper... Ok whatever, but my point is that you can't really tell that's a unicorn what's he's holding in his hand (for all you know it could be a rhyno); whitout the dream sequence seems more like a generic animal shape origami. 

Some people say the first origami, is an owl, (representing the one we later see on Tyrrel's office). Call me crazy but that paper figurine looks like a chicken to me.

And the little man with his cock out... that's not an origami!!!... Well I think is not pledged paper at least (by the way, were Garth last twist and turns made on his little tiny paper cock?)

When I first saw that final scene I said: "Oh, Garth was there, that weird guy that likes to make origami and shit: cool!"; maybe felt a little danger and when I saw Harrison Ford smiling I understood that Garth wasn't going to hunt Rachael's fuck down. That he let her go (let's not forget Garth is a Blade Runner wannabe)... that's a nice message there: all of them by the end of the movie gain a little bit of humanity. (By the way his name is Gaff, right? Fuck!). 

But the unicorn dream sequence introduce definitive prove that Deckard is a replicant. 

The power of this movie lies on the idea that an artificial organism, the replicant Roy Batty, loves life and understands what means to be human way better than a human being. 

Deckard blew a female's tit shooting her in the back while she was running away from him, running for her life!...  Instead with his last breath Roy decided to save Deckard from falling and a certain death.

But if Deckard is a replicant, then what's the merit in it? Roy was just saving one of his own kind. Besides in that case, was he in real danger? What's the merit on Deckard loving Rachael? They're just two robots malfunctioning and fucking each other.  (well you can argue if he's not a replicant, then he's weirdo fucking a sex doll... but lemme tell you: that's a godamn hot sex-doll that you can definitely fell in love with) 

The whole point for me is that we don't know for sure... that it is left ambiguous... or better said, that he IS a human... but he has lost all bonds with his own humanity, and sometimes acts like a sonofabitch cold machine, colder even than a replicant inside Chew's laboratory. Or maybe he IS a replicant, I don't know! Ambiguity!

Its Ok to use a special mirrors to make Deck's eyes to sometimes look like the ones from a doll, (the Schüfftan process thing)

Or making Holden the blade runner (the guy interviewing Leon) act, sound and look slightly like Harrison Ford, suggesting they are both industrial models designed to search for replicants: subtle, like in subtlety, y'know?.

But a rainbowbright horse running through the wild magical forest, that's too much, too obvious. Disgusting. Fucking disgusting. I hate it. I hate it!!!

It baffles me how Ridley Scott wanted that thing to be re introduced in his 1992 "Director's Cut" and then again in the 2007 "Final Cut", cause that means he doesn't understands shit about what makes his own master-piece tick.

Maybe it means that all the great movies are just a by-product of... randomness... chance... Or maybe it means all the great minds behind their creations are subjects to the same laws of decay that we are, and finally 20 or 30 years later they don't have a fucking clue on how to make a good movie (judging by Exodus: Gods of Egypt that seems to be the case)... Depressing... even more than that elevator door ending. Which takes me to my next point.

2) The Happy ending it's a great ending, so Fuck You if you don't like it

First, the air shots were made by: Stan Kubrick, yeah he made those for The Shining main title sequence and didn't use them. Arguably Stanley Kubrick is a better director than Ridley Scott. I always imagine Kubrick wanting to explore on A.I. similar problems to what Blade Runner present us... Like a weird story about a robot boy that feels he's a human; weeeird and creepy, a Kubrick thing... you know what I mean? A Kubrick thing!... instead we got... I don't know what we got: That! You can only wonder what could have been... But yeah, sadly Death came a knockin' by his door: 

How lightly life away is taken, 

    How cometh Death in stealthy guise...

I'd be really proud that a master film-maker, and also the creator of Space Odyssey a modern founding stone in the genre, agreed on including that shots as an ending... Besides, a little known fact: it wasn't the studio who asked Kubrick for permission to use that, it was Scott! (I mean Kubrick was a dick and all but not that of a dick with his colleagues) Scott was planning to use those... And where u gonna use that? That was his original ending! 

So yeah, why change it? Because he's an asshole. Back in 1982 he was just trying to make this weird Science Fiction movie... In 2007 he's coping with the ideas of a lot of people of what this "Masterpiece of a film" should be about, "one of the very best of all time", with great philosophical ideas and shit...

So he made it artsy fartsy: "The elevator door shuts" "Vangelis exit music plays"... 

So he's definitely a replicant because of the unicorn thing, they are both robots, don't know how much time they got, and people are gonna hunt them down. Really dark, I grant you that...

But the so called happy ending is not all that happy... I mean, Gaff is not chasing them, but still they're runaways; and maybe Rachael doesn't have a 4 year lifespan "no termination date", but we don't know for sure exactly how much time she got... But then again, who does, right?  Again: subtle.

Instead we got: an elevator door shutting! Is the only case I know of a movie's ending that got chopped, and people just praised the whole mess!  Let's make a Director's Cut of Artificial Intelligence and cut all the alien ending shit -they really are very advanced robots not aliens-, yeah lets end it at the fair! 

Let's cut every fucking movie that has been done, because they have things in them that people don't like! Or let's make it like these days, when you pay for your admission but you won't get "the full experience" at the Theater... oh, no, no... you have to wait two months for that, and then pay them again for the BluRay Ultimate Director's-Assembly-Redux-Let's-Try-Again-Because-We-Fucked Up Cut!!!!

3) Last: the voice-over is perfect for the film

Like, Harrison Ford said that he didn't want to do it, and fought it really hard, but once it was decided he was a professional and made it to the best of his abilities... He says...

I call that Bullshit! I mean, there's definitely something odd about the way he delivered the lines. Maybe he wasn't consciously boycotting the whole thing, but when you are really against something like this, you can't just pretend everything is Ok, right? His narration feels the way he's been acting since the 2000's and that's not a compliment.

So, why I like it? 

Blade Runner is a neo-noir film or whatever, and one of the things you identify as classic in a film noir is the detective telling us the story in off... When you see that you automatically think of a noir... you put yourself in the mood, right?

It's so classic! And that's beautiful. 

And again, this was Ridley's original idea, he wanted to make this classic film noir-ish narration thing in a dystopian futuristic movie. It was not a decision made at the last minute by the studio. It was Ridley Scott's idea; and later in the production... supposedly... Scott discarded this idea... Supposedly... we don't know cause he got fired...

Look at this:

- Skin-jobs, that's what Bryan called Replicants. In history books he's the kind of cop used to call black men niggers. 

- Tyrell really did a job on Rachael. Right down to a snap shot of a mother she never had.

- I didn't know why a replicant would collect photos. Maybe they were like Rachael, they needed memories.

- The report would be "routine retirement of a replicant" which didn't make me feel any better about shooting a woman in the back.

- I didn't know how long we had together... Who does?  

- I don't know why he saved my life. Maybe in those last moments he loved life more than he ever had before. Not just his life. Anybody's life. My life. (The original lines, only used in the workprint, are at least as good as the ones that got into the film: I watched him die all night. It was a long slow thing... and he fought it all the way. He never whimpered, and he never quit. He took all the time he had, as though he loved life very much. Every second of it... even the pain.Then, he was dead.) 

This is good writing. Adds so much to the Movie!!! There're a lot of things you people wouldn't even begin to comprehend without this lines... Why da fuck would you want to take all this out Because it was a bad performance?... I mean if we're gonna start chopping movies cause the actors didn't gave their very best... jizzz...

And I would even say that it adds to the character a little, cause Deckard -not like Roy- he's tired of life... And yeah that's the way a guy that doesn't give a fuck anymore would tell us his story.

In any case is not a perfect movie... but then again, what's perfect? 

(I need to stop doing that, I'm beginning to feel like the Sphinx here)

Anyway. The good thing is that in the 2007 edition we also got the original theatrical cut. So, yup. That's the one you should watch.

Force Awakens: In defense of the prequels CGI (sort of)

So, the new Star Wars movie is out. And all the people sort of loved it. Yeah you got the typical asshole saying "Oh, is just Episode IV all over again; they even had a Death Star" 

Well, first of all if you are a true fan don't fucking call it Episode IV, I mean WTF! Speak well!

The name is Star Wars. Star Wars! That's the way people called it the first time they saw that shit. I refuse to even use "A new hope", and that, let me tell you, has a liiittle more history... but Episode IV? Really? Episode IV?)

I mean the movie wasn't fantastic, a work of art or the best Star Wars movie ever... these are some of the dumb things people are saying. But it was good. Quite good actually. Plain good old fun. And that's the whole point, isn't it?

Think about it, it's a miracle! We were all expecting Jar Jar Abrams to fail horribly. I mean, why not He already completely misunderstood and mislead Star Trek (though I do believe them to be fun movies too, they're just not good Trek movies). But that wasn't a big issue cuz in the past we got Generations, Insurrection or Nemesis (and you can't do worst than that) Besides Star Trek has always been smaller, a cult thing... for us: nerds and freakies. Our thing. 

But this was a titanic task. We not only wanted him to recover the magic of a 40 years old movie!!! but doing it by using the same actors!!! Unbelievable!!!

Every movie I've seen with Harrison Ford (73 years old) in the last 15 years or so has been shit, shit, and mostly because of him (with the exception of 42, he does a very competent grandpa there).

I know Carrie Fisher (age 59) had a Looot of drug and boose issues, but damn she looks old!!! (kids stay away from substances!) older than my grandmother, and she's not with us anymore. I wonder if they though about putting her again in the Slave Leia costume...? By the way there's a Slave Leia Costume Apreciation Society (SLECAS) not joking, check it out!:

https://www.flickr.com/groups/65038850@N00/

Mark Hamill losed himself in Scifi/Horror B movies hell back in the 90's; but he managed to sort of get out with his amazing voice acting abilities. I'm not gonna insist on this too much because everybody did... yeah they are old, who cares... We the fans, we love these guys.

And for me Harrison Ford was like the best part of this movie... if you don't count that guy dress as a giant dog hitting on that Grand-Milf nurse (I think they though if they used a hot teen there it would look creepy... maybe it would).

We love the movie, and we got pretty excited for the next one... End of the story.

But then you got like all this people, critics, nerds, freakies, fans, punching on George Lucas.

"Do you see George? Do you see? This is how it's done." "This is a good movie George. Not like your prequels." "We hated your Alien Indiana Jones too!" "Do you see George?" Like an annoying child...

Yeah. People making wood out of the fallen tree. And that's perfectly fine cause he's a jerk and deserves all the pun. 

But some of them are saying REALLY stupid shit like: "Force Awakens was a better movie cuz it had

practical effects and not any of that computer crap" Well this one was heavy on CGI, but whatever.

Sometimes I think all people, except me of course, lost their long time memory or something,

like that guy from Memento: Guy Pierce? Or perhaps, way more probable, all the commentators / movie critics over the internet are just a bunch of retarded fucking kids. Cause I remember those days when the prequels were made. And let me tell you I hated the prequels with all my heart and Episode One above them all.  I could talk hours scrutinizing every little detail and pointing out everything that's wrong in these moving pictures. But one thing I won't do is criticize the use of Computer Generated Imagery in these movies. And not because it doesn't look like shit, cause it does look like shit! but because I understand the time these movies come from.

In 1995 John Lasseter shocked the world by producing the very first long feature computer animated movie.  And my grandfather (rest in peace) talked to me about these two amazing movies he have just seen. In one of them... could you believe this shit? there were dinosaurs. Real Dinosaurs!!! 

In the other one, a way less exciting subject for a kid, they made some guy shake his hand with president Lindsay Johnson or something. Yeah...

But there were dinosaurs in the first one! A Tyranosaur, and the one that spit green goo on your face and make you blind, and the huge long neck ones, and raptors (btw one thing I really hate of the 2nd movie is the guy with the hat explaining what a raptor is... fuck you! thanks to the firs movie I know what a raptor is: it's a mean motherfucking dinosaur!). Jurassic Park is not a good example cause Spielberg is a visual genius and it has a lot of practical effects, animatronics, puppets and shit...

But they knew how to make those things since the 70s... the point is they only felt the confidence to produce a movie like JP since they knew they could correct some of the shit that didn't look so good with CGI.

I remember a documentary on TV explaining how they made this incredible scene on Titanic everybody was talking about. Was it Rose silk soaked in minus 8 degrees cold water with an axe on her hand? Nope. Cold. Cold. Was it when the ship finally sank? And you see all that stunt people 10 meters sliding over wood. No. Cold.

It was Ice. It was the boat hitting the iceberg scene, and you see all the little pieces of Ice dropping over the board. People were amazed by that! And you got some animators proudly explaining how they made ice look so real with their fucking computers.

Those were the days when the first prequel was made! Can you believe that?

For Episode One I was in the theater opening day. And you could breath the geek's disappointment over the air. And on that day I heard all sort of shit about this movie. But the one thing I didn't hear is complaints about the special effects. People hated that fucking rabbit that spoke like an asshole, but they were ok with the special effects on this movie and that includes him, cause we had never seen before (almost) a CGI character talking with a real human on a AAA before: Mary fucking Poppins style! 

That wasn't a thing. The effects were fine.

Some even got to say that the movie was bad but at least had the best space flying battle scene ever ;people said that the light-saber duels were amazing

(yeah, both dumb things to say! but it kind of shows you the time), 

Saying that Episode One is a bad movie because of the CGI, is like punning on old 70's Sci-Fy movies because they had those computer boards with all the little different color lights turning on and off, buttons, and fuses, and shit...

Ok, so they have warping technology but they can't even make a digital control board?

It looks like crap, but you don't care. Because these are movies from another era. And if the movie is good enough you don't even look into that shit.           

The most amazing special effects won't make a bad movie to be good, and the most crappy painted carton box pretending to be a command center won't take you out if the movie is fun... 

Well that's that: hate to the prequels. Waiting for Rogue One now. God bless Star Wars

Her (2013): Whatta fuck is this movie?!

Her (2013, Spike Jonze)

Dude, we all like mind games. Opening a fake profile to chat with young ladies, that's totally cool! Normal stuff. Talking dirty to Siri? , we all tried that...

What we don't do, what is not allowed to do since the days the rules of the Nicomaquean Ethic were established, is Fucking our operative systems... 

(usually with Microsoft you are the one getting fucked)

I can understand Joaquin Phoenix felling in love for his laptop, I mean is the future and all and we are dealing with like a real AI here. What seems to me a little unbelievable is him FUCKING it when IT doesn't even have a body, and saying dirty disgusting stuff you don't even say to a crack whore (and you can tell your worst secret to a crack whore): 

"Can you feel me inside? oh yes yes I'm inside you!

I'm eating your invisible cunt now! YES YES"

I'm picturing the scene. Like good Warren says:

But come on! Siri is also having an orgasm?! WTF is this movie?

And then when he sort of realize all of this is kind of weeeeird, "she" start complaining about how they haven't had sex in a while... and then the "Tell me you love me" crap, and "What do you mean is not true?" crap... Scary... even a simulation of a female ends up doing that... and then she tries to rationalize, but NO! you can't rationalize this: you don't have a body. Period girl. You lost the argument! Next she'll probably start using her witchcraft, right?

That reminds me that's one of the reasons why I loved Ex-Machina so much, the AI's had like nice tiny bodies... though that's a plot hole right there cause: if Poe Dameron is building a hot robot with a vagina, Why in da hell would he want it to think?

In the wise words of Olivia Newton, the 13, this one is a CREEPY as fuck dude...

He's not normal, I mean think about it, if a mind blowing hot extremely drunken bitch pull out her little act before sex like all bitches do:  "Wait, wait. You're not just gonna fuck me and not call me like all the other guys, right, right??"

What would you do? What's the normal way?

TO LIE MADDAFACKA!!!, to lie your brains out!

"Of course not sugar! How can you say that!? You poor little creature: you must have been through a lot" (by the way that implies you know she's a fucking tramp) 

And then you hug her, and suggest not having sex that night, let's just wait, you say... but you spill more wine in her glass (that tip right there is for free you sorry sob)

And then he does it a second time. The OS is now offering: hey why don't we use this blonde hooker (with a warm blood body) and we can pretend it's me?... yeah a little weird. But not much weirder than... you know... putting your penis in a glory hole or pretending you're fucking your operative system!!! 

What do you do? Well you have sex, real intercourse, of course! But no, he complains about the lipquid! Well dude... you know... hookers are like that. They use the cheap stuff.

They need their money to spend on paying rent or buying crack and shit. 

And most of them just assume YOU WON'T MIND ABOUT THEIR FUCKING LIPQUID!!! 

What a creepo! And when he is playing the videogame and the controls made him move his hands in a bizarre way? like a reptile? That's him. A disgusting lizard or something.

This movie... the entire experience is like... Do you remember that movie, Vegas Baby... Vegas!? Swingers? When John Fabreu knows this girl and gets her phone, and later he calls her, and leave her a message on the answer machine, and keeps calling her over and over and over like 10 times leaving messages. And in the final message he just confess he's been dumped recently. That scene makes you feel sooo uncomfortable. Painful to watch...

Well this movie is like two hours of that fucking scene! Intolerable. 

Specially when he's talking to his ex wife. 

DUDE!!!, why are you telling her about this terrible TERRIBLE things you do when you are alone?There are tons of things we do when we are alone but we keep those quiet! It should be your secret!

And one more time he confess now with Amy Adams, who by the way looks like shit in this movie!

Is like they were actively trying to fuck this movie in every possible way. "Hey, let's make Amy look like crap!" 

Ok. I get it. It's a movie about an insane person, modern world loneliness, social media emptiness or whatever. You can find more about that here:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_RISgjGPkA0

But there's a total lack of sense on how creepy his whole behavior is, and that makes it even worse.

A crazy person that doesn't realize how crazy he is. 

"When a person is insane, as you clearly are, do you know that you're insane? Maybe you're just sitting around, reading "Guns and Ammo", masturbating in your own feces, do you just stop and go, "Wow! It is amazing how fucking crazy I really am!"? Yeah. Do you guys do that?"

A Guide for the Hollywood producer Hack on how to make a Spider-Man movie.

Yeah I've been reading Spider-Man's very first comic... So that makes me an expert.

That Peter Parker really had to put up with some shit. He can't get any pussy. Everybody calls him a bookworm, though you never see him reading but I guess the glasses... and he likes sciences.

But what really bugs me is that they're mocking him for all the wrong reasons. Flash tease him because he doesn't know the difference between a Waltz and a Cha Cha!!! 

I mean, wtf, who knows that?!! Having that sort of information would make a dream boat out of you? Well, that seems to be the case for Flash, at least in Sally's eyes.

His own teachers (they all look like nerds by the way) they also mock him because he's not feeling well after being bitten by a spider, it could be a venomous spider... And they are conducting dangerous radioactive experiments in  a school environment. 

Madame Curie died because of fucking with that shit (and yes... helping humanity in the process...) So he could very well be poisoned by the radiation. You know: Incompetent in my book. 

If you don't know all this shit, it's kind of scary to see Peter in this picture...

Yeah, this guy is about to lose his fucking mind and then he's going to the radioactive lab...

scary as fuck!

1) Peter Parker should be a teenager.

I'm not gonna discuss whose idea was to consider Friedrich von Trapp for the role. But Tobey Maguire felt a little weird when he was hitting on like a young Kirsten Dunts (19 at the time... well maybe not as bad as making out with Brad Pitt at age fucking eleven. I mean WTF dude! Oh yeah, now I remember: they were "acting".)

But you don't complaint cause he has one of those faces (the DiCaprio look): perpetually young (They're both vegetarians/vegans: that's like the fountain of youth) ; idk if he could fool anybody that he is a teen but... you know what would have been great? his look on Fear and Loathing

 ("That kid is a stupid fucking wax doll of some kind" said Flash Thompson, the novelist, on the DVD commentaries. Whose idea was to let him do the commentaries? that guy was a genuine psychotic prick. The real thing. Oh boy I could tell stories about Hunter S. Thompson...)

But maybe he was right... cause he does look like a wax doll

Anyway they should choose like a 16 year old kid for Peter, with pimples and all. Picking his nose and jerking of while creeping on Gwen Stacy... sniffing on aunt May's underwear. Ya'know? normal stuff.

And Spider-man should be cocky. He's not mature enough to fulfill the ideal of a hero. He's not in it for Justice...Sometimes he's very close to be a bully: He beats the shit out of Flash the bully with his inhuman powers. Went to Florida looking for trouble with the Lizard, though he hasn't done any damage yet (the poor guy was just like defending his territory: "Stay away from my swamp!" come on Spider-man just let the guy be).  He tries to pick a fight with the Fantastic Four, and even ruined the human torch party. Yeah, behaving like a teenage dick! That's the character right there...

2) Peter Parker should be a nerd!

Let's completely dismiss that hipster with his skateboard. And I'm not talking about make him play video games, read comics, or cosplay like Pikachu... (or let say having his own blog about... Science Fiction in anime). No. I mean nerd as it was defined in Revenge of the Nerds, Weird Science, Real Genius, Sixteen Candles and other classics.

Peter knows science, books, physics and shit, the periodic table and the period cycles (like a secret genius or something) Sam Raimi made the character to magically secrete webs from holes in his wrists! But...

The comic states very clear that he designed some web-throwers, and he puts some semen on the end of it, to get glue to things. And he did that because he is a nerd. Get your facts straight Sam Raimi!

Andrew Garfield looked too cool. That's not a social pariah! And the new kid Tom Holland (19), looks young and nerdy enough. His previous work was starring Billy Elliot The Musical. That's shameful/laughable, and he provided the voice for an anime character... you got Peter Parker right there...

... so he could be good, we'll see, we'll see... Can you imagine Spider-Man doing like a little Tap dance number? tip tap-tip tap, Wouldn't that be great?

3) The people of New York HATE Spider-Man.

We see a little of this in all the movies, but it was never fully exploited.  Metropolis loves Superman. Gotham has the hero it deserves but not... the one... it needs? or something like that (idk what that means, and idk why Gordon is saying that to his fucking 9 year old kid); 

But New York hates Spider-Man guts. You got the conflict right there! You got the hero trying to help the people in the city but the people in THIS city are just ungrateful, soulless, maddafucking New Yorkers, like all those fuckers are... 

And if there's good people there (never knew one), they should be afraid too -and with good reason- of this freak that dresses as a giant spider and fight criminals with his homemade semented webs.

People hate Spider-Man mainly because of J. Jonah Jameson the editor in chief of The Daily Bugle. Publishing big titles like: The Spider menace strikes again! 

So Spider-Man is also a deep commentary on media... Like a Noam Chomsky or Umberto Eco thing.

You know?: In the Name of the Rose!

J.K. Simmons was great as Jameson.  And if you're thinking he wouldn't reprise his role, think again:

that guy would do "The revenge of Whiplash" if there's enough dough, and not because is a greedy Hollywood fucker like most of them are, but because he's one of the most underrated talented actors in activity, so, of course, he's always in minor budget movies... so yeah, probably

Spider-Man is the best thing that ever happened to his food chain.

4) But MAINLY the movie should be about dealing with all the problems of being Spider-Man

Spider-Man villains are terrible! Most of them are just common thugs, to steal that's their motivation. The one I like the most is the Vulture: a bald very old... probably 80 years old dude, wearing a green feathered costume 

("and thus I clothe my naked villany..."), 

And his power is: flying. No super strength, no super intelligence, no nothing: he flies. With a jet/motor. That's his thing. And he steals shit in the city, like suitcases from passers. (Well... the lack of money is the root of all evil...)

"A world famous Super-Hero doesn't spend all his time fighting deadly menaces! There are moments he spends alone, deep in though, mulling over the past and pondering the future! Such a Super-Hero is Spider-Man!"

Spider-Man is not about overcoming Machiavellian plans, but his own inner conflicts with being Spidey. Peter has to deal with real everyday shit like we do: not having enough to pay the rent. Standing the laughs of the High School bully. Being rejected by girls. Aunt May's mortgage. 

Little things like when he tore his costume you see him sewing needle and thread and all.

Missing a date. Being tired and sleepy in one of the classes cause he has been fighting criminals all night. The problems with women... You got Betty, and Liz, and then Gwen and MJ, and Ms. Marvel and Carlie Cooper... When there's been like 10 plus girlfriends in your life you know you got troubles: the irrationality, the jealousy, the gossips, the crying (all those outbursts of emotions), the drama, the constant bitching, the setting of test after test after test (feels like being lost in a maze full of traps, you never know what's around that corner),   

The question remains, always the same question: Would it work to see him doing this? Well Sam Raimi gave you like the definitive answer cause that's what his movies are all about. And if you're wondering what's the point of doing the same shit all over again,

I tell you: Well, that's the problem with re-makes!

Ohhh, don't you love that Michael Caine's sweet sweet voice?

Dark Souls: How the Darkmoon Knightess is really a transsexual

(Just in case you're jerking off on her. All fair... but you need to know)

Well the main reason is cause of the leader of her covenant,

Gwyndolin, which, of course, as is very well established in the game is a transvestite.

So she's a transsexual (for now cause I say so) but Gwyndolin is a conflicted transvestite. He dresses as a woman, and behave as one; but in this world to be a woman in a male body is probably not acceptable. It's ok to dress as one but only as a device, a mean to cheat the fate. So fucking typical of myth. Knowing that Achilles destiny was to die in Troy, his mother Thetis cross dress him and hid him among Lycomedes daughters. Same deal here. Gwyndolin born under the influence of the moon (a female related symbol) destined to achieve great moon powers, but, alas, he was born a male! so his father cross-dress him... to cheat the fate!

In the Greek myth, Odysseus hid a Spear in a cloth basket or something, so when the women went to wash the cloths in the river, Achilles were able to find the spear and recover his will to fight.

The spear of course here is a phallic symbol, (dah!, that's a fancy way of saying it represents his dick). I think is very appropriate that the items and weapons related to the blades of the darkmoon are not really swords (I mean like real swords: fat, hard, masculine, twenty inches swords!) and that Darkmoon Gwyndolin fights with magic and from afar (which in the game as PVP players well know, is a kind of pussy way of fighting).

The player that finds the truth in Dark Souls knows that all the legend of the chosen undead is nothing but a fabricated lie, probably made by Gwyndolin himself to perpetuate the age of fire. But as we know this is the ultimate desire not of Gwyndolin but of his father Lord Gwyn (he even sacrifices his own life in the flame just to extend the age of fire)... 

So Gwyndolin in the game is behaving as daddy's little twat. He never ever recover his spear, his manhood, his true self. His insane father castrated him as a child (symbolically), and he's still loyal to the idea of what his father wanted him to be and the ideas of how the world should be... he never rebel to that, even when his father is long-time dead, nothing but an empty fucking Hollow now (which by the way looks like a dry mummy thing in the game). He never rebel to anything.

A very profound and sad story really, and the ultimate meaning of all this and my serious conclusion here is: Gwyndolin probably never knew the sweet delights of laying with a wench and he's the most probably also a virgin in the butt.

(Ah, don't you love Leon?)

I was looking at this image of Gwynevere, a very feminine form, with huge boobs, and thinking... Well this is not real (not talking about the boobs here. Come on dude! stop being such a perv.),

this is just a fake image, an illusion... it shows the idea of a woman in Gwyndolin's mind, in his mind that is how a woman should look like: a projection, a desire that cannot be accepted as one own and so it's place outside in the world. The lady of the Dark calls that a "revelation" and a "guide"... When something is revealed is showing it's true nature... I wonder what sort of revelation and guide she got from that image?...   

Anyway, it seems to me only natural that a follower of this insane cult, the blades of the darkmoon, could try to imitate her leader... and to honor her master wanted to dress as a female too.

Besides the game explicitly describes her body: "below just a thin layer of skin, are swarms of humanity that writhe and squirm. Her brass armor serves to disguise this ghastly form." ghastly: something that cause great horror, very shocking, horrible!, also means intensely unpleasant (like in a hot summer day when your balls are all sweaty, that's unpleasant). 

Kind of typical for a transsexual here to think of her body as something deformed, not appropriate to her true nature. (With a transvestite is not always the case, often they're happy with their male bodies but just like or get aroused by dressing and behaving as women... because they are Women, right!?)

She's named Darkmoon Knight not knightess in the credits, that is: maybe a cruel joke by Miyazaki and the rest of the gang? (good old Hayao Miyazaki, always with his pervert jokes...) maybe she was in the first draft a male character,  maybe just a minor typo? 

       

That's why the lady of the Dark gets so mad when you destroy the fake image of Gwynevere... you're fucking with all that she hopes to be, you are pissing on her dreams, man!!! How dare you??!!! If you just kill Gwyndolin she'll become aggro and all but she'll stay by the bonfire; but if you dare to directly attack Gwynevere's image she will hunt your fuck down! (she's going to your encounter, and you'll find her by the rotating bridge).

If you destroy Gwynevere's Illusion you can even rejoin the Darkmoon covenant after absolving your sins, but the Darkmoon Knightess won't forgive you no matter what, she'll stay hostile.

Symbolically, killing Gwynevere is like ripping apart her clothes and that's the worse thing you could do with this lady, exposing her revolting, disgusting, deformed, GHASTLY body to the world. Can you imagine the rage?! She must really hate your fucking guts, man.     

All this puts new meaning to the Lady's words "What you saw around the light of the dark moon shall haunt you forever" she says.

Yeah, symbolically she's talking about cock sightseeing at the light of the moon.

This is also the meaning of the act of joining the Blades of the Darkmoon by kneeling without ever going through the fog door (not casually behind an Illusory wall). 

Why is that a crime? Because, is like peeping under a dress. To peep, to spy, not peeping like in 'fucking a penguin', I'm not joking here, is a real word...

and well, about that and dresses, as my mother used to say when I turned thirty four: it isn't right to do that anymore my dear. 

"What am I? Well... I am the Keeper of the bonfire. If not for me, what beacon would there be in this lost city? A gatekeeper, and a guide; that is my calling"

And for the people saying that she can't be a trans because all the firekeepers in Dark Souls are women (and apparently transsexuals for this prejudice assholes are not real women) you all seem to forget about the Fair Lady. 

So, are you telling me that this thing with a disgusting spider hairy body it's a "REAL" woman?... Well then I tell you: I wouldn't fuck that for sure! (Maybe if it were healthy... but it's not... well you could spare some humanity and then...)

By the way, Did you knew that Spiders are symbols of the vagina dentata? Or like Carl Gustav Jung used to say: The pussy with teeth, the phallic snatch. 

And to have intercourse with that it would be like fucking the Gaping Dragon: you don't want to do that!

But then again, maybe you do...