Yeah I've been reading Spider-Man's very first comic... So that makes me an expert.
That Peter Parker really had to put up with some shit. He can't get any pussy. Everybody calls him a bookworm, though you never see him reading but I guess the glasses... and he likes sciences.
But what really bugs me is that they're mocking him for all the wrong reasons. Flash tease him because he doesn't know the difference between a Waltz and a Cha Cha!!!
I mean, wtf, who knows that?!! Having that sort of information would make a dream boat out of you? Well, that seems to be the case for Flash, at least in Sally's eyes.
His own teachers (they all look like nerds by the way) they also mock him because he's not feeling well after being bitten by a spider, it could be a venomous spider... And they are conducting dangerous radioactive experiments in a school environment.
Madame Curie died because of fucking with that shit (and yes... helping humanity in the process...) So he could very well be poisoned by the radiation. You know: Incompetent in my book.
If you don't know all this shit, it's kind of scary to see Peter in this picture...
Yeah, this guy is about to lose his fucking mind and then he's going to the radioactive lab...
scary as fuck!
1) Peter Parker should be a teenager.
I'm not gonna discuss whose idea was to consider Friedrich von Trapp for the role. But Tobey Maguire felt a little weird when he was hitting on like a young Kirsten Dunts (19 at the time... well maybe not as bad as making out with Brad Pitt at age fucking eleven. I mean WTF dude! Oh yeah, now I remember: they were "acting".)
But you don't complaint cause he has one of those faces (the DiCaprio look): perpetually young (They're both vegetarians/vegans: that's like the fountain of youth) ; idk if he could fool anybody that he is a teen but... you know what would have been great? his look on Fear and Loathing
("That kid is a stupid fucking wax doll of some kind" said Flash Thompson, the novelist, on the DVD commentaries. Whose idea was to let him do the commentaries? that guy was a genuine psychotic prick. The real thing. Oh boy I could tell stories about Hunter S. Thompson...)
But maybe he was right... cause he does look like a wax doll
Anyway they should choose like a 16 year old kid for Peter, with pimples and all. Picking his nose and jerking of while creeping on Gwen Stacy... sniffing on aunt May's underwear. Ya'know? normal stuff.
And Spider-man should be cocky. He's not mature enough to fulfill the ideal of a hero. He's not in it for Justice...Sometimes he's very close to be a bully: He beats the shit out of Flash the bully with his inhuman powers. Went to Florida looking for trouble with the Lizard, though he hasn't done any damage yet (the poor guy was just like defending his territory: "Stay away from my swamp!" come on Spider-man just let the guy be). He tries to pick a fight with the Fantastic Four, and even ruined the human torch party. Yeah, behaving like a teenage dick! That's the character right there...
2) Peter Parker should be a nerd!
Let's completely dismiss that hipster with his skateboard. And I'm not talking about make him play video games, read comics, or cosplay like Pikachu... (or let say having his own blog about... Science Fiction in anime). No. I mean nerd as it was defined in Revenge of the Nerds, Weird Science, Real Genius, Sixteen Candles and other classics.
Peter knows science, books, physics and shit, the periodic table and the period cycles (like a secret genius or something) Sam Raimi made the character to magically secrete webs from holes in his wrists! But...
The comic states very clear that he designed some web-throwers, and he puts some semen on the end of it, to get glue to things. And he did that because he is a nerd. Get your facts straight Sam Raimi!
Andrew Garfield looked too cool. That's not a social pariah! And the new kid Tom Holland (19), looks young and nerdy enough. His previous work was starring Billy Elliot The Musical. That's shameful/laughable, and he provided the voice for an anime character... you got Peter Parker right there...
... so he could be good, we'll see, we'll see... Can you imagine Spider-Man doing like a little Tap dance number? tip tap-tip tap, Wouldn't that be great?
3) The people of New York HATE Spider-Man.
We see a little of this in all the movies, but it was never fully exploited. Metropolis loves Superman. Gotham has the hero it deserves but not... the one... it needs? or something like that (idk what that means, and idk why Gordon is saying that to his fucking 9 year old kid);
But New York hates Spider-Man guts. You got the conflict right there! You got the hero trying to help the people in the city but the people in THIS city are just ungrateful, soulless, maddafucking New Yorkers, like all those fuckers are...
And if there's good people there (never knew one), they should be afraid too -and with good reason- of this freak that dresses as a giant spider and fight criminals with his homemade semented webs.
People hate Spider-Man mainly because of J. Jonah Jameson the editor in chief of The Daily Bugle. Publishing big titles like: The Spider menace strikes again!
So Spider-Man is also a deep commentary on media... Like a Noam Chomsky or Umberto Eco thing.
You know?: In the Name of the Rose!
J.K. Simmons was great as Jameson. And if you're thinking he wouldn't reprise his role, think again:
that guy would do "The revenge of Whiplash" if there's enough dough, and not because is a greedy Hollywood fucker like most of them are, but because he's one of the most underrated talented actors in activity, so, of course, he's always in minor budget movies... so yeah, probably
Spider-Man is the best thing that ever happened to his food chain.
4) But MAINLY the movie should be about dealing with all the problems of being Spider-Man
Spider-Man villains are terrible! Most of them are just common thugs, to steal that's their motivation. The one I like the most is the Vulture: a bald very old... probably 80 years old dude, wearing a green feathered costume
("and thus I clothe my naked villany..."),
And his power is: flying. No super strength, no super intelligence, no nothing: he flies. With a jet/motor. That's his thing. And he steals shit in the city, like suitcases from passers. (Well... the lack of money is the root of all evil...)
"A world famous Super-Hero doesn't spend all his time fighting deadly menaces! There are moments he spends alone, deep in though, mulling over the past and pondering the future! Such a Super-Hero is Spider-Man!"
Spider-Man is not about overcoming Machiavellian plans, but his own inner conflicts with being Spidey. Peter has to deal with real everyday shit like we do: not having enough to pay the rent. Standing the laughs of the High School bully. Being rejected by girls. Aunt May's mortgage.
Little things like when he tore his costume you see him sewing needle and thread and all.
Missing a date. Being tired and sleepy in one of the classes cause he has been fighting criminals all night. The problems with women... You got Betty, and Liz, and then Gwen and MJ, and Ms. Marvel and Carlie Cooper... When there's been like 10 plus girlfriends in your life you know you got troubles: the irrationality, the jealousy, the gossips, the crying (all those outbursts of emotions), the drama, the constant bitching, the setting of test after test after test (feels like being lost in a maze full of traps, you never know what's around that corner),
The question remains, always the same question: Would it work to see him doing this? Well Sam Raimi gave you like the definitive answer cause that's what his movies are all about. And if you're wondering what's the point of doing the same shit all over again,
I tell you: Well, that's the problem with re-makes!
Ohhh, don't you love that Michael Caine's sweet sweet voice?
