Her (2013): Whatta fuck is this movie?!

Her (2013, Spike Jonze)

Dude, we all like mind games. Opening a fake profile to chat with young ladies, that's totally cool! Normal stuff. Talking dirty to Siri? , we all tried that...

What we don't do, what is not allowed to do since the days the rules of the Nicomaquean Ethic were established, is Fucking our operative systems... 

(usually with Microsoft you are the one getting fucked)

I can understand Joaquin Phoenix felling in love for his laptop, I mean is the future and all and we are dealing with like a real AI here. What seems to me a little unbelievable is him FUCKING it when IT doesn't even have a body, and saying dirty disgusting stuff you don't even say to a crack whore (and you can tell your worst secret to a crack whore): 

"Can you feel me inside? oh yes yes I'm inside you!

I'm eating your invisible cunt now! YES YES"

I'm picturing the scene. Like good Warren says:

But come on! Siri is also having an orgasm?! WTF is this movie?

And then when he sort of realize all of this is kind of weeeeird, "she" start complaining about how they haven't had sex in a while... and then the "Tell me you love me" crap, and "What do you mean is not true?" crap... Scary... even a simulation of a female ends up doing that... and then she tries to rationalize, but NO! you can't rationalize this: you don't have a body. Period girl. You lost the argument! Next she'll probably start using her witchcraft, right?

That reminds me that's one of the reasons why I loved Ex-Machina so much, the AI's had like nice tiny bodies... though that's a plot hole right there cause: if Poe Dameron is building a hot robot with a vagina, Why in da hell would he want it to think?

In the wise words of Olivia Newton, the 13, this one is a CREEPY as fuck dude...

He's not normal, I mean think about it, if a mind blowing hot extremely drunken bitch pull out her little act before sex like all bitches do:  "Wait, wait. You're not just gonna fuck me and not call me like all the other guys, right, right??"

What would you do? What's the normal way?

TO LIE MADDAFACKA!!!, to lie your brains out!

"Of course not sugar! How can you say that!? You poor little creature: you must have been through a lot" (by the way that implies you know she's a fucking tramp) 

And then you hug her, and suggest not having sex that night, let's just wait, you say... but you spill more wine in her glass (that tip right there is for free you sorry sob)

And then he does it a second time. The OS is now offering: hey why don't we use this blonde hooker (with a warm blood body) and we can pretend it's me?... yeah a little weird. But not much weirder than... you know... putting your penis in a glory hole or pretending you're fucking your operative system!!! 

What do you do? Well you have sex, real intercourse, of course! But no, he complains about the lipquid! Well dude... you know... hookers are like that. They use the cheap stuff.

They need their money to spend on paying rent or buying crack and shit. 

And most of them just assume YOU WON'T MIND ABOUT THEIR FUCKING LIPQUID!!! 

What a creepo! And when he is playing the videogame and the controls made him move his hands in a bizarre way? like a reptile? That's him. A disgusting lizard or something.

This movie... the entire experience is like... Do you remember that movie, Vegas Baby... Vegas!? Swingers? When John Fabreu knows this girl and gets her phone, and later he calls her, and leave her a message on the answer machine, and keeps calling her over and over and over like 10 times leaving messages. And in the final message he just confess he's been dumped recently. That scene makes you feel sooo uncomfortable. Painful to watch...

Well this movie is like two hours of that fucking scene! Intolerable. 

Specially when he's talking to his ex wife. 

DUDE!!!, why are you telling her about this terrible TERRIBLE things you do when you are alone?There are tons of things we do when we are alone but we keep those quiet! It should be your secret!

And one more time he confess now with Amy Adams, who by the way looks like shit in this movie!

Is like they were actively trying to fuck this movie in every possible way. "Hey, let's make Amy look like crap!" 

Ok. I get it. It's a movie about an insane person, modern world loneliness, social media emptiness or whatever. You can find more about that here:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_RISgjGPkA0

But there's a total lack of sense on how creepy his whole behavior is, and that makes it even worse.

A crazy person that doesn't realize how crazy he is. 

"When a person is insane, as you clearly are, do you know that you're insane? Maybe you're just sitting around, reading "Guns and Ammo", masturbating in your own feces, do you just stop and go, "Wow! It is amazing how fucking crazy I really am!"? Yeah. Do you guys do that?"

Batman V Superman (2016): a complete failure

 DIR: Zack Snyder/ SCR: Chris Terrio; David S. Goyer / CIN: Larry Fong / ED: David Brenner/ PRD: Charles Roven; Deborah Snyder. / DIS: Warner Bros.

I can't believe the kind of shit people are saying all over the internet about this fucking movie. 

Did I like the movie? mehh. Did it suck? Yes, of course it sucks! You have to be like blinded by Fanboyism not to see that this movie is a complete failure. But why? 

Some are pointing out that the problem is the tone. The dark gritty realism inherited by its predecessor Man of Steel (and of course heavily influenced by The Dark Knight).

Batman is like borderline psychotic, "one of the wealthiest and most powerful men in the world, is secretly a vigilante, who spends his nights beating criminals to a pulp with his bare hands"

if that's not craaaazy, I don't know what is it. You got a fucked up character right there!

And of course it's only natural to make a dark movie with a crazy person that dresses up like a bat. 

BUT SUPERMAN, well that's a whole nother story. He is the iconic moral hero, the sum of all virtues; being not human, he is the best humanity has to offer: a kindhearted hero with a strong sense of justice and righteousness... He's not a freakko putting on a costume to become something else. As Kwai Chang used to say before choking himself to death while masturbating 

"His outfit with the big red "S", that's the blanket he was wrapped in as a baby when the Kents found him. Those are his clothes."

And some people think that you can't do dark realism with that! You can't face THE superman against modern world problems like terrorism, 9/11, Isis, Jihad and all that shit. That would make like the whole experience joyless.

But I don't have problems with the tone. I liked Man of Steal (it's not a great movie, but way better than this one).

No. The problem is not the tone stupid sobs. Is the lack of coherence between scenes,

"BE coherent maddafucker!"

and the absence of meaning to each single scene, every character and the movie as a whole.

I'm gonna analyze just one example. But you can take any scene and point out it's flaws really...

Ok, so. Bruce Wayne discovers that Lex's people are transporting Kryptonite via truck from a ship to a secret lab? Or a factory? Lex's headquarters, whatever; and decides to steal it to kill Superman with it. ... so Batman chases them with the batmovil... you got the scene right there, the classical Hollywood action movie car chase sequence. It's not particularly interesting or brilliant, not gonna amaze you - or make you scream in wonder, (and the bazooka moment is blatant plagiarism from Dark Knight); but yeah, it's a competent chase sequence: fair fun. 

And then... he doesn't get the kryptonite... the bandits get away!!! So what's the fucking point to the whole scene?!

Worse, a scene or two later we watch  Lex's secret lab destroyed implying that batman was there and stole his kryptonite. But - I couldn't believe what was happening - we never actually see that! You got an action superhero movie, actively hiding you action scenes!!!...

If you need to cut something because the fucking movie is 3 hours long, cut the goddamn pointless chase sequence, and if you need to have a batcar in your movie cuz you wanna sell toys, then give the scene a fucking reason to exist: just let the bat to finally get his green goo there.

So, Batman turns right and... out of nowhere Superman is there, and he decides to accelerate his car and roll over him. If you are looking for kryptonite, you know this weird powerful being is not gonna die in a car accident, but whatever. And of course against the man of steel the car gets fucked and we get the "Do you bleed sequence?" that we know from the trailer ... And soon enough Superman flies away, to capture the criminals himself? Nope, just away. Back to nowhere. Back to the ether. Back to the clouds where he stands. Superman always irrupts into these scenes suddenly out of nowhere.

(Even Lex mock this when he throws Louis from the building... and yeah again, he suddenly appears and catches her)

Movies got a way to deal with shit like this, to help you with the suspension of disbelief. They could have shown Superman flying in the sky minding his own shit, and then seeing or hearing the commotion caused by Batman you get a shot of Sup face and it reads: "This is my city, I'm gonna stop this gay suited weirdo, he's puting people's life in danger." Then you hear the John Williams music, ta ta ta ta taa, ta ta ta, ta ta ta ta taa, ta ta taaa.

No. You get nothing of that. Batman turns right and Sup is there with his poop face: he's angry... Why? We don't know. 

To the people that think that this is the point of the whole car chase sequence, the first encounter between this two giants in full costume, I say, well... What's superman motivation to stop batman? I mean, why is he even there? Does he honestly believes batman was trying to murder innocent people? Does he think the bazooka shooting bandits Batman was chasing are not dangerous? Maybe that's why he let them escape? cause he DO let them escape! Does he know about batman real intentions of stealing the kryptonite? What's the reason of Superman being there?!!!

The car chase sequence doesn't pay up because it takes you nowhere, it takes you to a trailer, because that's the only real reason behind this scene: creating hype in a fucking trailer. 

And one last thing: Stop blaming Jesse Eisenberg for this failure of a movie. Adventureland: they played a drinking game with Kirsten Stewardess? on who could gave the lamest line in the lamest form (she won).  I hated him as the Facebook guy too. Yeah, he's bad. He is terrible (but we knew that already). In this movie he is ok... well, regular bad.  

Yeah it's a little bit excessive on his mannerism, the guy can't act, but people are blaming him on the character's lack of coherence and blurry objectives...  and those are script problems!! Script!

On the other side you see only flowers for Ben Affleck performance "Greatest onscreen Batman ever" Wtf!! I feel like I'm taking crazy pills here!

You know why you subnormal morons liked Batfleck? Because not like Lex Luthor, Louis Lane, Wonder Woman, Superman or any other character in this movie;  you can understand Batman's character, you can totally understand his motivations: what moves him has been veeeeery well established. And we humans tend to like things we understand. Specially when surrounded by total chaos in a messy movie, is like grabbing a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean or like Jorge Luis Borges puts it: "any symmetry with a resemblance of order - dialectical materialism, anti-Semitism, Nazism - was sufficient to entrance the minds of men." 

Right from the get go, at the beginning of the movie in the 9/11 sequence, you understand he's thinking about stopping this child murderer being. (Omg! In this movie Superman puts children's lives in danger, kill their mums and cuts peoples legs?)

NO people! the problem is not Eisenberg. You know who the problem was: Zackarias Snyder (I'm preaching now). In the promotional interviews he reminded me of Shyamalan trying to justify his fucked ups, he knew this movie was Baaaad! He's incompetent, lazy, he has no sense of direction: Fuck your Turkish airline, you sell out! Go count your money bitch...

Nah, really. Maybe that's harsh. Being fair I think he got talent, but yeah, all his movies sucks. So, I'm just saying... just saying... that maybe he would be better making wedding videos or sthg... Come on, come on, the guy gave us an OK Watchmen... Watchmen was a piece of shit too!

"Oh.., in a second viewing this movie only gets better. This movie improves with each seeing"

No!!! goddammit, in the second viewing I hated this movie even more. In the second viewing you understand what they wanted to do, what were their intentions, but its like peeping inside the mind of a madman: yes you can understand the logic behind his urges of chopping women heads and putting them on sticks but that doesn't make it any better!

Finally, just a minor theory I have: the bats lifting little Brucie Wayne on the cave, originally that wasn't a dream. Ben Affleck's voice saying "In the dream they took me to the light, a beautiful lie" is so out of place. Why Batman speaks only there? and only says that? To whom?;

Again, my theory, the scene didn't work well with the test screenings so they added the voice later alla Blade Runner. Prove me wrong motherfuckers... I know I'm right.